Baba Sidhartha ve Oğul Sidhartha

Baba Sidhartha Ve Oğul Sidhartha 

Bir roman yüzyıllardır anlatılan mitik bir masalı yeniden döküyor nefti ormandaki ağaç dallarından yüzüme. Çoğu masalda bulamadığım masalsı bir tad buluyorum Hesse’nin romanında. Belki bu yüzden yola revan oluyorum kolayca. Bir tekerleme ile başlıyor romana tıpkı şöyle..

 Nehirlerin, dağların, taşların, tapınakların, insanların, kumların, merdivenlerin hep aynı olduğu yerde kalmak istemeyen Sidhartha, gerçeği; onu mutlu edecek farklı dünyaları bulmak için izin ister babasından. Evinin biricik oğlu, brahman babanın müstakbel postnişini, annesinin övüncü, delikanlılık çağında bahçedeki incir ağacının gölgesine, yuvasının şefkatli sıcaklığına sığamamıştır. Sırdaşı, çocukluk günlerinden beri yoldaşı Govinda’ya, bu tekdüzelikten kurtulmak için gitmek istediğini söyler. Govinda umutsuzca dinler. Ancak baba  kararlıdır, göz bebeğinin ormanlarda aç susuz yarı çıplak yaşamasına rıza göstermeyecektir. Ancak Sidhartha’nın, babasının şahsında hiç bir iradeye boyun eğmeye niyeti yoktur. Karşı karşıya geliyorlar;

Oğlum! Ah oğlum! İzin verinceye kadar gece gündüz bekleyecek misin?

Evet bekleyeceğim.

Yorulursun…

Evet yorulacağım.

Uyur kalırsın…

Hayır uyumayacağım.

Samana olmak için her şeyi geride bırakacak mısın?

Evet bırakacağım.

Herkese huzur dağıtan bir brahmanın, oğluna verecek hiçbir öğüdünün, söyleyecek bir tek kelimesinin olmadığını anlar… Zira eşikte duran çoktan karar vermiştir.

Git öyleyse der baba, aradığını bulursan dön ve bana da anlat. Eğer bulamazsan yine dön ve gel tıpkı nehir gibi.

Hesse’nin romanının en trajik sahnelerinden biri işte böyledir. Bir babanın oğluyla imtihanı…Baba, dön ve bana da anlat cümlesiyle en büyük teklifini yapar ve susar. Kozlar artık oğulun elindedir.  Sonra Sidhartha sahneye çıkar bütün hevesiyle hayallerinin peşine düşer..Bir yığın soru geride kalır; mesela, baba bu terk edilmişliği nasıl kabullenmiştir? Hâlâ Brahman mıdır? Yoksa halkının gözünde değeri pula mı dönmüştür? Kendi oğlunun ruhunu dinginleştiremeyen bir din adamı olarak kutsal tapınağın anahtarını çıkarmış mıdır boynundan. Gözü yollarda mıdır yoksa nehrin suları ruhundaki yangını söndürmüş müdür çoktan, alışmış mıdır oğlunun yokluğuna? Bilemiyorum!

 Ama başka bir şey öğreniyorum romanın ilerleyen bölümlerinde, en az bu soruların cevapları kadar önemli: Tarihin tekerrür ettiğini, ya da edenin misliyle bulduğunu belki de babaların makus kaderini. Hz Nuh geçiyor gözümden, Hz Adem, uzaklara gönderdiğimiz babalar, babammm… 

 Derken Sidhartha yı evinden özgürlüğüne doğru yol alırken buluyorum, babasının öğüdünü çoktan unutmuş. Samanalara katılmış. Meditasyon yapıyor, açlığa, susuzluğa, acılara karşı mukavemet kazanıyor ancak bütün bunların birkaç şişe şarap içen herkeste görülebilecek belirtiler olabileceğini zamanla anlıyor.. Yol arkadaşı Govinda’ya

“Sen ayyaşları biliyorsun, ayıldıklarında daha bilge olmamışlardır. Her şey eskisi gibidir. Hiçbir bilgi edinmemiş ve yükselmemişlerdir. Bizim durumumuzda tıpkı böyle.” diyor.

Sonra Nirvana’ya ulaştığına inandıkları Buda’yla karşılaşıyor. Ama Sidhartha’nın bir öğretmene  daha artık tahammülü yoktur oysa Govinda Buda’yla kalmak ister. Onu orada bırakıp iki kişi olarak başladığı yolculuğa yalnız devam ederken acıyla seslenir ;

“Beni bugün Buda yağmaladı. Dostumu aldı benden ancak beni bana verdi gözlerimi, ağzımı, Sidhartha’yı bana bağışladı.” Yaralı yüreğiyle Sidharta biraz mola verdiğini sanırken bir kuşatmanın ortasında kalan kale gibidir.

 Buda onu yağmalamıştı aşk onu teslim alır. Ruhunu Sidhartha’nın kollarında teslim ederken sevgilisi Kamala bir emanet bırakır ona. Asla sahibi olamayacağı bir ömür bakmakla yükümlü olduğu bir emanet; evlat

İşte o zaman allak bullak oluyor baba Sidhartha. Belki de karnında taşımadan kucağına alanın şaşkınlığını  yaşar; nerden geldi bu bebek, şimdi ona ne olacak? Oysa tam da hayatın nehirde olduğunu öğrenmiş bütün nehirlerin de bir gün mutlaka denizle buluşacaklarını anlamıştı. Budanın öğretisine, inancına bir alternatif bulmuş, dünyanın düğümünü çözmüştü uzun zahmetli yılların sonunda. nerden çıktı bu bebek?

Hayatına sebepsiz, teklifsiz giren bebek zamanla yüreğinin tam ortasına oturuyor. Baba sevgisi gözlerinden taşıyor. Ama hiçbir bilgi evladını kazanmak için yetmiyor. Bakmaya kıyamıyor evladına, pervane oluyor etrafında ama sonuç bir yıkım, bir felaket. Şehir lüksüne alışan oğul babayla kulübe sefaletini yaşamak istemiyor, babanın yüzünün ortasına haykırıyor:

“Sevmiyorum seni, nefret ediyorum. Bırak beni gideyim. Ben bu ormanda yaşamak istemiyorum.” Sidhartha çaresiz, üzgün tek isteği oğluyla bağ kurmak ama ne yaparsa olmuyor. İşte o zaman kitabın en başına dönüp bir kez daha okuyorum Sidharta’nın evden ayrılışını, babaya isyanını. Ne olacak diye bir merak sarıyor beni, telaşlanıyorum. Hatırlayacak mı acaba babasını, bırakıp giderken onun neler hissetmiş olabileceğini anlayacak mı? Ya da her şeyi bırakıp bir koşu gidecek mi babasının yanına? 

 Şehrin girişinde topraklara oturmuş Sidartha’yla karşılaşıyorum. Evladı onu bırakıp gitmiş, üstelik izin bile almadan, gizlice, kaçarak gitmiş. Sidhartha yaralı, hüzünlü, bitkin şehrin kapısında hatırlıyor babasını, ayrılık gününü. Kolları iki yana düşüyor, kala kalıyor öylece. Babasının kendi karşısında duramadığını, onun da evladının karşısında duramayacağını anlıyor. Ve belki de dudakları kıpırdıyor:

“Sana gitme demeyeceğim. Git, aradığını bulursan dön ve bana anlat eğer bulamazsan yine dön. Tıpkı nehirler gibi…”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Güldane BERK

  Herman HESSE-
Sidhartha

 

Mayıs 31, 2023

93 responses on "Baba Sidhartha ve Oğul Sidhartha"

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